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Payback Suggestions

Take all of the rubble, all of the huge blocks of concrete and steel, the old busted up computers, refrigerators, hot water heaters, air conditioners, lazy boy recliners, etc. Shovel it into C130's and C5A's, fly over Afghanistan, and shove them out from 32,000 feet.

You know, an old Coldspot can do a hell of a lot of damage from 5 miles up! With each assault we can drop leaflets "Greetings, from the 110th floor of the World Trade Center".

The next day it could be from the 109th floor of the World Trade Center". The next day it could be from the 109th floor, third day 108th, etc., etc.

After 110 days of this I can't imagine much left standing on the ground. I can just see the headlines now "WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK"!

What wonderful irony this would be, and think how much money we wouldn't have to spend on bombs or missiles. And if that isn't enough, we could do the same for tower 1 and 2 to make it 220 days of debris.

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The Phone Call

Osama bin Laden phoned President Bush. "I had a dream about the United States", he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner", said Bin Laden.

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA!!!" answered the terrorist.

"I'm so glad you called", said President Bush, "because I too had a dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt with many tall gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and woman. And over every building and home was a big beautiful banner."

"What did it say?" asked Osama.

"I don't know" answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

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Let us women handle it

Take all American women who are within +/-5 years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, Prozac, hormones, SPAM, etc. Drop us (parachuted, preferably)across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even men in turbans tremble.

We have had our children, we would gladly die/suffer to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning; therefore, we have nothing to lose.

Let US go and fight. The Taliban hate women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes all through their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too.

HELL HAS NO FURY LIKE A PISSED OFF WOMAN!

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CIA Terrorist Alert

Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator.

Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.

So it must be true.

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Late Nite Jokes heard on TV...

"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
- Jay Leno

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
- David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
- Jay Leno

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
- Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
- Jay Leno

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
- Jay Leno

"President Bush is encouraging children to become pen-pals with other children in the Middle East. Oh, that's a good idea. Like parents are going to want to have their children opening letters, saying 'Look what I got, a letter from Afghanistan! Let's see what's in it'
- Jay Leno

"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
- Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video, and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."  
- Jay Leno

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