JOKES

Hitch-Hiking Through Afghanistan

A guy driving a truck in the middle of the Afghan desert picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly, there's a big bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up and says, "What the hell was that?".

The truck driver replies, "Some kind of animal; go back to sleep."

A little further down the road, another big bang is heard. Once again, the hitch-hiker yells out, "What the hell was that?"

The driver replies, "Some kind of animal again.  Stop worrying and go back to sleep."

Further into the night, a loud "bang, bang, bang," was heard.

"Alright, what the hell is going on here?" asked the hitch-hiker.

"O.K., it's just that snake of a bastard Osama bin Laden."

"How terrible," says the hitch-hiker, "but why were there three bangs the last time?"

The truck driver replies, "Well, I had to drive through two fences to run the bastard over!"

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Osama bin Laden Goes to a Psychic

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

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The Binch

Every U down in Uville liked the U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules.

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea-an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow-
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it-they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!

He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!

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Oh, Osama bin Laden

Oh, Osama bin Laden
you sonovabitch
May your balls quickly develop
a 7-year itch
May your pecker be twisted
in such a strange manner
That your asshole's always whistling
The Star Spangled Banner!

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B-52!

Very shortly, Osama and the Taliban will hear the letter and number called out so frequently in Iraqi back in 1991.

You know, the one that broke up the Iraqi bingo games, only now to be heard in Afghanistan.

B-52!

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The Double Secret Plan:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the CIA, Rangers, Seals or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return 'her' to Afghanistan to live under the Taliban.

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You're a Journalist With a Dilemma...

Imagine you are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photojournalist and stringing for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You happen to come across Osama Bin Laden, who has been swept away by the floodwaters.

He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb and plunges into certain death.

So, here's the question, and think carefully before you answer.

Which would you use--telephoto or wide angle lens?

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New York - Year 2032

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approximately 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?"

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One Texas Soldier is Better Than Ten Taliban

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

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Twas the Night Before Payback

Twas the night before payback and all through the land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our fathers and they are our sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big guns.
They would have stayed home with children and wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this show.

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Osama is Inspecting a Came'ls Butt

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

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